Tuesday, November 22, 2016

A new chapter. We have a son!

Asher Seth arrived on his own timing on Tuesday, November 15, 2016 at exactly 3 pm!!
We had a scheduled c section that was scheduled for November 29. This was my last pregnancy. Doctors told me early on that i would have to have a c section, so i had already planned on that. I also had opted for a tubal (because well...5 kids is enough...7 between the 2 of us...more than will even fit in our vehicle)... So anyway, i had met with the scheduled delivery doctor several weeks ago and discussed my plan for Asher's birth. I had chosen the "perfect" doctor, chosen the day and time, opted for a "gentle c section" where i would not be strapped down, the curtain would be lowered, the doctor would put him straight onto my chest, allow me to breastfeed while still in the OR, they even agreed to keep Asher and my husband bedside during the closure of the c section. All of this was planned.
Well...God had other plans apparently.
Tuesday morning, i woke up feeling strong contractions. Told my husband i thought i was in labor. I went ahead and got all the kids ready and took them to school. My contractions got even stronger while driving. To the point where i called my doctor and was told to go to labor and delivery. So, i still had Lily and Abby with me and now needed to find someone to get themas I sat in the hospital parking lot. A sweet friend ended up coming and picking up the girls and getting them where they needed to be while another sweet friend came and sat with me in the hoapital until my husband finally accepted the fact that yes, i was actually in labor...this was not in my head. This was not braxton hicks. I had gone into labor and my blood pressure was sky high at this point and this baby would be coming today...like it or not.
"MY doctor" was NOT here. The doctor who was here was NOT accepting of the gentle c section idea, and on top of that it was the only male doctor in the whole practice. I was a little upset by all of this...but my son was coming...today.
So, once my husband was there, everything started moving quickly. I was given an hour to prepare for this. I immediately started calling and canceling all my children's doctors appointments for the coming days (which i still have to reschedule). I called my mother to let her know what was happening...and somehow she managed to get all of my other children.
So...i was taken to a freezing cold Operating room. I swear this activated ptsd from my past traumatic experience in the OR with Auri. I requested a midwife be present. Unfortunately, none was available. There was a very uncaring nurse who at one point said to me "suck it up", 2 anesthesiologist, and a doctor who had a less than plesant demeaner (in my opinion). Oh well. I tried to be excited that at least my son would be here soon.
So, at 3 pm Asher was held above my head. Tiny and purple. He did not make a sound. I kept asking "is he ok?" no one answered me. The anesthesiologist finally said "he is alright. They are cleaning him up". I couldn't see him at all due to the angle of the bed. My husband wasn't telling me anything. I don't think he knew what was going on. The doctors weren't telling me anything. "They are taking him to nicu" i wispered...practically to myself, since no one was listening to me. And then...i heard him cry...a forced cry...gurgling cry. Finally someone said "we will have to take him to the nursery to watch him"...i begged them to let me see him first. They did. They let us get a couple pictures with him and then took him to the nursery. I told my husband to go with our son. I was left there laying on this table to be closed up, where the doctor and the nurse and his assiatants all argued over political nonsense. No one spoke to me. Whatever. And i layed there, still not knowing what was going on with my son.
I was then taken to recovery. A nicu doctor finally came in and told me he was breathing fast and had a high heart rate. Then a nurse came and brought me a picture. The only pictures i had seen at this point was a few on my husband's phone.
A couple more friends came to sit with me in recovery. My husband was in and out checking on our son, i believe he also ran home to get clothes for the girls. This part is all hazy to me. I finally was taken to a room and a few hours later the best thing happened...a NURSE BROUGHT ME MY SON!!! I immediately nursed him...and he latched to my surprise. He was tiny...but he was ok!!! Asher Seth was 6 pounds 3 ounces and 19 inches.
He was ok. And finally....that's all that mattered to me. I couldn't stop staring at him and thanking God that he was there and he was in my arms now and he was fine.
God knew i could not handle another true NICU experience.
And so far, i think his early arrival has been a blessing in disguise, since the kids are out of school this week. I have had to reschedule lots of appointments but it will all get done sooner or later. My husband was able to get a couple weeks off work to be home and help. My mom has been able to help with the girls. And ultimately i have my first and only son at home. The girls are in love. Our family is complete.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

"Just" a mom...

"Mom, what are you?" my 10 year old asked. "I'm your mom." i answered. "No. I mean WHAT are you? What do you do?" she says. You see, she is in a new school. They have a "college and career" class. She wanted to know my "job title" apparently. So i thought for a minute and told her that I have a certificate as a nurse assistant, i also had a certificate in Medical coding and Billing, however I have not worked as either in several years. So, my final answer is I am a mom. She looks at me puzzled and says "great... Guess I'll just write my mom is just a mom". She then lost interest in the conversation and went back to watching a show on her phone.

Ironically enough, last night in our small group at church, the topic was Identity or Spiritual Identity.

And it got me thinking about something that crosses my mind every now and then, "what am I? Who am I? What am i doing here? Am i simply wasting my life?"

As a child, I had all these dreams and hope for what I would be in life... A doctor, a teacher, and I also always knew that one day I would be a mother.

However, I became a mother just after my 19th birthday. Shortly after that I was married. This marriage eventually ended after I had yet another child. Anyone who knows my family, knows that my second child has Down Syndrome and many medical concerns. This has required me to learn a lot to be able to properly care for her. My faith in God carried me through that pregnancy as well as many sleepless nights dealing with medical concerns from tube feeding to heart defects. Anyway, i went on to have another child and another failed marriage. And another child, a marriage that is on rocky terms, a couple of step children, and I am pregnant again (with what will be my first boy). That brings us to today... Nearly 11 years since I became "just a mom".

After thinking about being "just a mom", it could be argued that there is no such thing as JUST a mom... A mom is a nurturer, a nurse, a short order cook, a taxi driver, a janitor, a laundry attendant, a personal assistant, and so much more... A mom can mold herself into a thousand different "titles".

But there is more to it than that. I want my children to see me as a strong and confident woman who has her life "together", whatever that means. Whose life is really together anyway?

So this brings us to the question, what does God say about WHO we are...WHAT we are?

Just skimming through Ephesians 1, the key words that stand out to me are chosen, redeemed, and forgiven.

Chosen is defined in the dictionary as "having been selected as the best or most appropriate."

Redeemed is defined in the dictionary as "to be compensated for the faults or bad aspects of"

Forgiven is defined as  "to grant pardon or remission of a debt or offense"

Anyway, i began writing this and then had to stop as I had to attend to my children. One child just happened to turn on the radio and a Matthew West song was on;

"Hello, my name is regret
I’m pretty sure we have met
Every single day of your life
I’m the whisper inside
That won’t let you forget
Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I’ll drag you right back down again
‘Til you’ve lost all belief
Oh, these are the voices. Oh, these are the lies
And I have believed them for the very last time
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, I have been set free
"Amazing Grace" is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King"

So... I will just end this right here... I am a MOM. I believe this is what God wants me to be at this time in my life and he is still showing me how to do that right. I believe he wants me to know that I am important, i am needed, i am loved, and i am exactly where I am supposed to be at this time. 
The world wants us to think we are not good enough, that we are not doing enough, that we should be more and be better.

God says we are exactly who he made us to be. This is what I want my children to know about me and about themselves.

Do not let the world define you. Do not let the world determine your self worth. Do not let the world determine what or who you are.