Welcome number 4!!!

On October 7 I went to the hospital for a biophysical profile due to baby being past her due date and my blood pressure being a little high. During the test, nurses noticed that her heart rate was dropping with every little contraction I had. So they admitted me overnight for monitoring. The next morning it was determined that it was best for baby if I had a csection due to her heart rate continuing to be affected during every contraction and she was showing signs of distress. So, as much as I wanted a natural birth, csection it was. It was much different than the emergency csection I'd had with Auri though, I walked to the OR, my midwife went with me and mixed me some essential oils to diffuse during surgery to help me stay calm. As soon as I walked into the OR, I started having flashbacks of the horror that came with Auri's birth. I was terrified I would feel the pain of being cut again. I was terrified her heart would stop like Auri's did. The staff, nurses, midwife, and the anesthesiologist were so great at keeping me calm and assuring me that it would be a better experience.
Tiny baby Abigail Grace entered the world at 9:11 am on 10/08/2014. She weighed 6lbs 4 oz and was 19 inches long. The first thing I noticed was her head full of hair. She is beautiful and she brings back so many memories of each of the other girls when they were babies.

Happy day Auri!!!

This time 6 years ago, i was sitting in a NICU staring at my precious Auriana Faith wondering what would become of her. She was born premature, wirh a serious heart defect, had to be tube fed, and was just so tiny and fragile. I prayed ever second that i would be able to take my baby home. God answered those prayers!!
Auriana came home with us on October 2nd, 2008!!
Since then, she has grown, had several setbacks, but has overcome everything. I recall the day i took her home, the NICU physician looked at me and said "now, we are letting you take her home like this because you are so eager to take her home, but remember, this baby has lots of problems. She may never eat on her own, she may never walk or talk like your other daughter... Just don't expect too much. After all, you're lucky she is alive."
Yes, well, i trusted that God had another plan for my tiny little cabbage patch sized baby.
And He did!!
She is still tiny... At 6 years old now she is the size of a 2 year old. She weighs 22 pounds. Auri has had 3 open heart surgeries, numerous other procedures, and overcome many struggles.
But, she does eat (weaned her from the feeding tube at 29 months old), she walks and talks and smiles!! She is a happy little girl most days and has recently learned all her colors, recognizes some letters and numbers, and basic shapes!! She is doing wonderful in the home school program i have decided to use to teach her... She has already exceded what she knew last year.
Auri does attwnd regular speech, occupational,  and physical therapy. But she has surpassed the age of 5, which the NICU physician told me was not likely and she is THRIVING!!! She loves life!!!
This past Saturday we celebrated her 6th birthday with a few close friends and family. She had her Barney cake and she loved it!! She said all day long "its MY happy day!" "it's MY DAY!!" her birthday was actually last Wednesday, September 17, and every day since has been "her happy day". Her favorite things are Barney, signing time, mickey mouse, doc mcstuffins, and jake and the neverland pirates.
She loves her new barney doll she got for her birthday.
At her party, she sang all the words to "happy birthday"! Cutest thing ever!!
This is our season of birthdays around here.
My birthday is 3 days before Auri's and next we will soon be giving birth to a new addition who we have already named Abby, then Kylee turns 9 october 30 and then Lily turns 3 December 1!! A busy time of year around here!! I wouldn't have it any other way!!! I love my little girls and love watching them and seeing who they become...
So for now Happy sixth birthday to my precious Auri!!! God definitely knew what he was doing when he gave me you!!!

nobody chooses online nonsense over cleaning... right?

Yep... and here I sit again in front of the computer, scrolling through Facebook after I "just got on for a minute to check email" after I got the kids to bed. 
Sink full of dishes and a pile of laundry stare at me as I type this... but I ignore it.
The 3500 books and papers a kid pulled off the book shelf mid tantrum this evening is still laying here in the floor...
but yet...
I'm sitting here typing randomness into the blank screen on my computer.... after spending the past 20 minutes scrolling through nonsense on Facebook...
why?
well, because it is somewhat of an escape I guess... reality disappears into the computer screen..
isn't it like that for a lot of parents?
So here's just a snip it of why I need 30 minutes to just let the mess disappear and pretend I'm on some little island in the middle of nowhere... at least one night (or more) a week the night goes just a little like this... turn off Tv to get kids in the bathtub... listen to the m scream how that was their FAVORITE SHOW and it WILL NEVER COME ON AGAIN and IM SO MEAN... yeah yeah... ok kid... that show has come on probably 50 times in the past week and I guarantee it will be back on tomorrow. 
Meanwhile another child is in the bathroom because I forgot to shut the door... what is this child doing in the bathroom? oh, just dumping water in the floor. water from where? oh... just the toilet water... that's all. Great. this one gets bath number 3 today. 
So, one kid bathed and dried and dressed and in the bed. 
(and bathroom floor err... mopped with a towel...)
One more in the background still throwing a fit that the TV was shut off.
The other comes running in to get her tub time... ok... this one loves the tub so she doesn't want to get out.
We HAVE to get out. still have another one that needs hair washed tonight.
Ok... so this one gets out (after bribery) what? no I don't bribe them... never. so 2 down to bed. 
Now it's past "bed time". The dilemma... do I fight to get this one in the bath tub or do I cave? hah... who wins? we compromise wash the hair over the edge of the tub. yes you had a bath last night. yes you can get one again tomorrow night. ok. finally. bed. 
All. Of, Them. In. Bed.

So... back to the disaster zone that has taken over my living room...
Yes... it will get cleaned up...
eventually...

I know other mothers can totally relate to this scenario, right?
come on... I can't be the only one to not have children who are angels all the time...
hah...
funny thing is when they are gone... even just for 1 night... I have no idea what to even do. In fact, I think I miss the chaos and commotion that has become my life...

So... back to reality now... the dishes will probably get done tonight, the books will get put away... lesson plan will get done for school tomorrow.... then I'm going to bed to start it all over again in the morning... 

oh, did I mention... I'm also 8 months pregnant and I home school my special needs child? Yep. 

I am going to envision "happy thoughts"... Rainbows and lollipops and fairies that magically clean my house for me... maybe our day will be filled with sunshine tomorrow... yes.... sunshine and happy thoughts and everyone will listen and no one will complain. That's it.... 

"Just think of Happy Thoughts and you'll fly" - Peter Pan

"If you want it, you must will it. If you will it, it will be yours." - The Mighty Sven


We will have a good, calm day tomorrow.... we will have a good, calm day tomorrow... we will have a good, calm day tomorrow...

Blessed...

Blessed.... that I AM!!
Sitting here reflecting on my recent past and realizing how very blessed I truly am, even though it is hard for me to see at times through all the daily stresses and feelings of being just exhausted and overwhelmed.
I have been blessed to be called to be a mother! This is something I often take for granted, sadly. God has gifted me with 3 beautiful little girls... each with unique qualities.
Kylee--Such a bright girl-- I am starting to realize that often she is just misunderstood. She seems to see things differently. Kylee remembers things from years past as if they happened yesterday. She remembers everything she reads and she can see stories in her head... and TV shows... and songs... he can vividly recall every line. With the right tools she will be able to use this gift for good in the future.
Auriana--my little fighter--doctors told me the whole time she grew in my belly that she would surely not live and if she did she wouldn't live long and would never walk or talk. She has proved them wrong. She walks. She talks. And so much more. She also has memory like her big sister, that is often misunderstood. Auri remembers dances that she sees in songs from Signing Time and Barney. She replays these in her head and acts them out all the time. I only wish I could learn to channel this gift into teaching her other things. I truly believe she will continue to prove the world wrong. Even I do not know the extent of what she can learn and how she can succeed.
Lily--Such a sweet caring girl--a little ray of sunshine in the morning, she wakes everyone up (much to early at times) with "good morning. I love you." with a huge smile. This wake up call is often met with a much less energetic "Liilllyyy" from those she wakes. This and her truly caring spirit and her concern for those around her... these alone will get her far in life. I can not wait to see what the future holds for her.

I take for granted every day what great things my girls have brought to my life!

I pray for the future that I can see the blessings in front of my eyes and not focus on all the difficult things.

Life is life....

So, I used to write all the time. I used to have so much to talk about.
Lately, however, I feel like everything just blurs together. Life is such a fog.
Life.... is just.....well, life.

There are months and months between my posts now.
Since August 2013 we've past Auriana's 5th birthday, Buddy Walk, Kylee's 8th birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Lily's 2nd birthday, Christmas, several snow days this year, Valentines Day, Auriana being hospitalized for pneumonia, me finding out I'm pregnant again, and most recently Easter! That's like a LOT!!
Why do I find less and less time that I have "me time" to write?
Well, I guess because I am living life and trying my best to be a good mother to my girls.
I take for grated the little things I should be making note of for the memory books. I feel like I miss so much just by always being on the go. We truly are always going somewhere. And then we get caught up in the importance of petty things...laundry needs done, dishes need done, clean the house, clean the car, etc etc.
I want so badly to slow this life down some and just stop to appreciate and enjoy the small memories of my children.

We went to the beach just a few weeks ago. For about 5 days it was as if we finally had a break.
We could just stop.
We could just relax.
No one was complaining, no one was whining (for the most part), there were no major tantrums.
Everyone was happy. Smiling. Even though that water was freezing, just the fact that we were on the beach and the simple sound of the waves was so relaxing.
I wish it were possible to live life like that... relaxing in the sand on the beach, watching the kids build sand castles and make sand angels, listening to the sounds of waves and laughter.
Sometimes I have ideas cross my mind... How wonderful it would be to just live in the middle of nowhere on some little self-sustaining farm with no appointments, no "time to be at school", no schedule, no drama. Just take my little girls and run away from everything.
 However, that is not reality.

Reality is life is hard, life is full of drama and stress, life is full of expectations, disappointments even.
But, if you think about it all... life is also full of joy, life is full of love, life is full of hugs and kisses.
I just want to stop focusing on everything that is hard.
And start focusing on the joy. The laughter. The smiles on my babies faces when they are playing in the yard. I can not wait until school is over for the year so when everything at home becomes overwhelming we can just pick up and leave the mess. leave the stress. Go somewhere... anywhere... the park down the road... the lake with the ducks.... some place relaxing.
I plan to make more of a focus on the fact that life is not perfect. life does not have to be perfect.
When I take my kids places this summer, I am going to leave all the imperfection in life behind and only take happiness and relaxation with us.
I'm going to sit at that park and watch my babies run and smile and laugh.
Not even allow the thought of "oh, but we have to get home to clean the mess." The mess will be there. There will always be messes.

My babies will only be babies for a short while.
I'm already seeing that with Kylee. She is 8.
EIGHT.
In 8 more years she will be driving.
I so want to just enjoy the joy in her now, while I still can.

That poor child is more like me than she even knows. She has such a hard time with dwelling on things in her life and it causes her so much stress and anxiety.
I don't feel like I've given her a very good example of how to handle stress either.
Hah. There's me another summer goal.

Seriously... if you see me out and about and my children and screaming and I'm not saying a word... don't look at e like I'm crazy... well, do. Because, maybe it's crazy to just not even care what people think anymore. To not even care if you make it someplace on time or make it at all for that matter. But I am so sick of dwelling on being places on time and trying to please people and trying to keep my kids looking "perfect".
Guess what people! News Flash! We. Are. Not. Perfect! And even bigger news flash.... It. Does. Not. Matter!
Kids cry... just a fact. Kids who have trouble processing their senses and emotions... well, they cry more. Who. Cares. ? Not this Momma. Not anymore.

I think about what we've been through, these girls and me.
Auriana was born with so many complications. That was the focus for so so long. Get Auri's heart fixed. Get Auri to gain weight. Get Auri to eat without a tube. Guess what! We did that! All of that! She eats, she talks, she walks, she goes to school, she makes choices for herself!!!
I no longer care about what her testing results are. I do not care if she can ever write her name. I want her happy and healthy. I want her to go to school with typical ( for her) peers. I see her every day. Auriana fits in perfectly with 3 and 4 year olds. She is 5.
Who care.
The thought has crossed my mind to just forget about the reality of the public school system ever realizing and recognizing what she is capable of and focusing on what's important and not "making sure children like this are as close to functioning on a normal level academically".... I want her to fumction on a normal level socially. That's all I want for her. I. Do. Not. Care. if she writes her name, if she reads, if she can take a standardized test. If she can pass the stupid cognitive and physical evaluation that does not give accurate results of what a child knows. I seriously have thought about just taking her out of public school and putting her in a typical preschool with typical kids. Put her in a 4 year old church preschool.
Really would that be so terrible?
Would I be a horrible mother if I just say "let's put kindergarten on hold a year and just put her with typical kids." I already take her to PT, OT, sensory therapy, and Speech. And what good is it doing her to be put in a kindergarten class that is contained with nothing but special needs children?
Can a typical preschool handle her? She does have some sensory meltdowns and she doesn't verbalize as well as some children. But, there are typical kids that are the same way.
I just want her to be happy and I am tired of me feeling stressed and like public school does not have a good fit fr her. They don't. We have been blessed with wonderful public school preschool teachers, but I just don't know that the public kindergarten offered is the best fit for her right now.
Just a thought.

I am so thankful for Lily and I feel like I take her for granted also. Lily is my baby.
She is the only "morning person" in the whole house. She wakes up every morning saying "good morning Kylee, I loves you.", "good morning Auri, I love you.", "good morning mommy, I love you." and then "good morning sun!"
I wish I had that outlook in the mornings. I wish I could just be happy to wake up.
I hope she never looses that.
Lily seems happy about the "baby in my tummy", but I hope that once the baby is out she is just as happy.

My fear with each of my children is that a new baby makes them feel that they are no longer the focus. I hate that. I want them each to know how much I LOVE THEM! I truly love all of them. through each of their differences and each of their challenges, I LOVE them!

I think about the way God loves each of us. His children. We are not perfect. We are difficult to deal with at best. We don't listen. We disobey. We yell at Him. We complain. We don't appreciate Him or what He does for us. But, still. He love us!

So, on that note....
It is now time for the start of my day....
Time to live life.
The kids wake up in less than an hour.
I want to wake them each up with "God morning, I love you!"