Monday, April 28, 2014

Life is life....

So, I used to write all the time. I used to have so much to talk about.
Lately, however, I feel like everything just blurs together. Life is such a fog.
Life.... is just.....well, life.

There are months and months between my posts now.
Since August 2013 we've past Auriana's 5th birthday, Buddy Walk, Kylee's 8th birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Lily's 2nd birthday, Christmas, several snow days this year, Valentines Day, Auriana being hospitalized for pneumonia, me finding out I'm pregnant again, and most recently Easter! That's like a LOT!!
Why do I find less and less time that I have "me time" to write?
Well, I guess because I am living life and trying my best to be a good mother to my girls.
I take for grated the little things I should be making note of for the memory books. I feel like I miss so much just by always being on the go. We truly are always going somewhere. And then we get caught up in the importance of petty things...laundry needs done, dishes need done, clean the house, clean the car, etc etc.
I want so badly to slow this life down some and just stop to appreciate and enjoy the small memories of my children.

We went to the beach just a few weeks ago. For about 5 days it was as if we finally had a break.
We could just stop.
We could just relax.
No one was complaining, no one was whining (for the most part), there were no major tantrums.
Everyone was happy. Smiling. Even though that water was freezing, just the fact that we were on the beach and the simple sound of the waves was so relaxing.
I wish it were possible to live life like that... relaxing in the sand on the beach, watching the kids build sand castles and make sand angels, listening to the sounds of waves and laughter.
Sometimes I have ideas cross my mind... How wonderful it would be to just live in the middle of nowhere on some little self-sustaining farm with no appointments, no "time to be at school", no schedule, no drama. Just take my little girls and run away from everything.
 However, that is not reality.

Reality is life is hard, life is full of drama and stress, life is full of expectations, disappointments even.
But, if you think about it all... life is also full of joy, life is full of love, life is full of hugs and kisses.
I just want to stop focusing on everything that is hard.
And start focusing on the joy. The laughter. The smiles on my babies faces when they are playing in the yard. I can not wait until school is over for the year so when everything at home becomes overwhelming we can just pick up and leave the mess. leave the stress. Go somewhere... anywhere... the park down the road... the lake with the ducks.... some place relaxing.
I plan to make more of a focus on the fact that life is not perfect. life does not have to be perfect.
When I take my kids places this summer, I am going to leave all the imperfection in life behind and only take happiness and relaxation with us.
I'm going to sit at that park and watch my babies run and smile and laugh.
Not even allow the thought of "oh, but we have to get home to clean the mess." The mess will be there. There will always be messes.

My babies will only be babies for a short while.
I'm already seeing that with Kylee. She is 8.
In 8 more years she will be driving.
I so want to just enjoy the joy in her now, while I still can.

That poor child is more like me than she even knows. She has such a hard time with dwelling on things in her life and it causes her so much stress and anxiety.
I don't feel like I've given her a very good example of how to handle stress either.
Hah. There's me another summer goal.

Seriously... if you see me out and about and my children and screaming and I'm not saying a word... don't look at e like I'm crazy... well, do. Because, maybe it's crazy to just not even care what people think anymore. To not even care if you make it someplace on time or make it at all for that matter. But I am so sick of dwelling on being places on time and trying to please people and trying to keep my kids looking "perfect".
Guess what people! News Flash! We. Are. Not. Perfect! And even bigger news flash.... It. Does. Not. Matter!
Kids cry... just a fact. Kids who have trouble processing their senses and emotions... well, they cry more. Who. Cares. ? Not this Momma. Not anymore.

I think about what we've been through, these girls and me.
Auriana was born with so many complications. That was the focus for so so long. Get Auri's heart fixed. Get Auri to gain weight. Get Auri to eat without a tube. Guess what! We did that! All of that! She eats, she talks, she walks, she goes to school, she makes choices for herself!!!
I no longer care about what her testing results are. I do not care if she can ever write her name. I want her happy and healthy. I want her to go to school with typical ( for her) peers. I see her every day. Auriana fits in perfectly with 3 and 4 year olds. She is 5.
Who care.
The thought has crossed my mind to just forget about the reality of the public school system ever realizing and recognizing what she is capable of and focusing on what's important and not "making sure children like this are as close to functioning on a normal level academically".... I want her to fumction on a normal level socially. That's all I want for her. I. Do. Not. Care. if she writes her name, if she reads, if she can take a standardized test. If she can pass the stupid cognitive and physical evaluation that does not give accurate results of what a child knows. I seriously have thought about just taking her out of public school and putting her in a typical preschool with typical kids. Put her in a 4 year old church preschool.
Really would that be so terrible?
Would I be a horrible mother if I just say "let's put kindergarten on hold a year and just put her with typical kids." I already take her to PT, OT, sensory therapy, and Speech. And what good is it doing her to be put in a kindergarten class that is contained with nothing but special needs children?
Can a typical preschool handle her? She does have some sensory meltdowns and she doesn't verbalize as well as some children. But, there are typical kids that are the same way.
I just want her to be happy and I am tired of me feeling stressed and like public school does not have a good fit fr her. They don't. We have been blessed with wonderful public school preschool teachers, but I just don't know that the public kindergarten offered is the best fit for her right now.
Just a thought.

I am so thankful for Lily and I feel like I take her for granted also. Lily is my baby.
She is the only "morning person" in the whole house. She wakes up every morning saying "good morning Kylee, I loves you.", "good morning Auri, I love you.", "good morning mommy, I love you." and then "good morning sun!"
I wish I had that outlook in the mornings. I wish I could just be happy to wake up.
I hope she never looses that.
Lily seems happy about the "baby in my tummy", but I hope that once the baby is out she is just as happy.

My fear with each of my children is that a new baby makes them feel that they are no longer the focus. I hate that. I want them each to know how much I LOVE THEM! I truly love all of them. through each of their differences and each of their challenges, I LOVE them!

I think about the way God loves each of us. His children. We are not perfect. We are difficult to deal with at best. We don't listen. We disobey. We yell at Him. We complain. We don't appreciate Him or what He does for us. But, still. He love us!

So, on that note....
It is now time for the start of my day....
Time to live life.
The kids wake up in less than an hour.
I want to wake them each up with "God morning, I love you!"

1 comment:

  1. this katie...keep writing...hugs miss elaine/ccww nursery